Part 3 - Praising That Hurts

Did you know that there are different types of praises? See image below to learn about them: 

Evaluative praise is proven to limit children. It praises achievement and not effort. For this reason, kids praised on achievement or skill tend to believe they do not need to work hard to become better. 

Descriptive and appreciative praises on the other hand are a great way to praise effort. When we praise children on effort, they are more likely to become gritty. Grit is the ability to persist even after setbacks. A gritty child has a growth mindset. She believes that her qualities can be cultivated through effort. She demonstrates resilience and is willing to work hard and better to achieve results.

Here are some practical examples on how to praise effort instead of ability: 

Instead of: Wow, look at that grade! You are so good in math! 

Try: I noticed you have been working hard on math lately. It is paying off!

Instead of: You are such a nice big brother!

Try: Your siblings seem to love when you share your toys with them.

Instead of: Good job at cleaning your room! 

Try: I saw your effort in cleaning your room today. 

Praising effort takes a lot more intention than praising skills, but it will be worth it in the long run. 

Here's a great video explaining more of the science behind this concept:

Best, 

Bianca. 

REFERENCES: 

Are we spoiling our kids with too much praise? - JSTOR DAILY. (n.d.). Retrieved February 17, 2022, from https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/

Dweck, C. S. (2017). Mindset. Robinson.

Part 2 - Emotion Coaching

What do you say when your kids are crying? If you are like me, at some point you might have said: "It is okay. Just stop crying. It will be fine!" 

But what if I told you that trying to dismiss your child's cry and feelings is making them less emotionally intelligent than they could be if you used Emotion Coaching. 

Emotion coaching is a technique coined by Dr. John Gottman, that is meant to be used by parents when interacting with their children and increasing their emotional intelligence. It encourages parents to guide children on how to express, name, and deal with their feelings.

There are five basic steps to emotion coaching: 

1. Be aware of your child’s emotion;
2. Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching;
3. Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings;
4. Help your child learn to label their emotions with words;
5. Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately.

These steps when used can help children learn how to cope with negative feelings and self-regulate. 

Since learning about these steps, I was able to use them with my 3 year old nephew while he was throwing a tantrum. I was amazed when it worked and helped him call down much faster than the usual. 

Here is a great resource that shows what emotion coaching could look like:

If you would like to learn more about this topic, I recommend reading Dr. Gottman's book: Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

Let me know if you found this information helpful! 

Best, 

Bianca. 

REFERENCES: 

Lisitsa, E., Fraser, C., & Smyth, S. (2022, February 13). A research-based approach to relationships. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 17, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/

Part 1 - The Parenting Pyramid

I have recently encountered a parenting framework that has changed the way I see disciplining children. The framework was created by the Arbinger Institute and it is called the Parenting Pyramid. 

This framework teaches parents that before correcting their children for doing something wrong, they should be looking at:

1. Their personal way of being. Who they are as a person and if their lives align with what they want to teach their children. 
2. Their marital relationship. If they are having trouble as a couple, their parenting ability might be impaired. 
3. Their relationship with their children. How connected are they? Do the children trust them?
4. Teaching. Do you spend more time correcting than teaching?
5. Correcting. 

The following video does a great job explaining in more detail the parenting pyramid: 

My favorite part about the pyramid was learning the importance of teaching more than correcting. I think many parents nowadays spend most of their time correcting instead of teaching.

Have you ever felt caught up in one of the following scenarios:

• Spending most of your time threatening/correcting/disciplining your children
• Spending several hours reading books on how to discipline and punish your children
• Learning about positive discipline and/or natural and logical consequences for bad behavior.

Now, have you ever asked yourself questions that sounded like this:

• How can I keep my children from fighting?
• What do I do when my child disrespects me?
• What do I do when my child does not do her chores?
• What do I do when my child violates her curfew?

If you have, you are not alone. Many parents are faced with these scenarios and wonder what they can do to stop the undesirable behavior. 

According to the Arbinger Institute, instead of focusing on what can be done when things are going wrong, parents should focus on what they can do to help things go right. For example, instead of asking the questions listed above, parents could ask themselves the following: 

• How do I help my children to love one another?
• How do I help my child to learn to be respectful?
• How do I teach my children to be responsible?

Besides asking the questions above, it is important to take a look at each section of the parenting pyramid to evaluate how you are doing in each one of them.

Hopefully, this information will be as helpful to you as it was for me. 

Best, 

Bianca. 

REFERENCES:

The Parenting Pyramid - Brigham Young University–Idaho. (n.d.). Retrieved February 17, 2022, from https://content.byui.edu/file/91e7c911-20c5-4b9f-b8fc-9e4b1b37b6fc/1/Parenting_Pyramid_article.pdf