Part 3 - Praising That Hurts

Did you know that there are different types of praises? See image below to learn about them: 

Evaluative praise is proven to limit children. It praises achievement and not effort. For this reason, kids praised on achievement or skill tend to believe they do not need to work hard to become better. 

Descriptive and appreciative praises on the other hand are a great way to praise effort. When we praise children on effort, they are more likely to become gritty. Grit is the ability to persist even after setbacks. A gritty child has a growth mindset. She believes that her qualities can be cultivated through effort. She demonstrates resilience and is willing to work hard and better to achieve results.

Here are some practical examples on how to praise effort instead of ability: 

Instead of: Wow, look at that grade! You are so good in math! 

Try: I noticed you have been working hard on math lately. It is paying off!

Instead of: You are such a nice big brother!

Try: Your siblings seem to love when you share your toys with them.

Instead of: Good job at cleaning your room! 

Try: I saw your effort in cleaning your room today. 

Praising effort takes a lot more intention than praising skills, but it will be worth it in the long run. 

Here's a great video explaining more of the science behind this concept:

Best, 

Bianca. 

REFERENCES: 

Are we spoiling our kids with too much praise? - JSTOR DAILY. (n.d.). Retrieved February 17, 2022, from https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/

Dweck, C. S. (2017). Mindset. Robinson.

Part 2 - Emotion Coaching

What do you say when your kids are crying? If you are like me, at some point you might have said: "It is okay. Just stop crying. It will be fine!" 

But what if I told you that trying to dismiss your child's cry and feelings is making them less emotionally intelligent than they could be if you used Emotion Coaching. 

Emotion coaching is a technique coined by Dr. John Gottman, that is meant to be used by parents when interacting with their children and increasing their emotional intelligence. It encourages parents to guide children on how to express, name, and deal with their feelings.

There are five basic steps to emotion coaching: 

1. Be aware of your child’s emotion;
2. Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching;
3. Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings;
4. Help your child learn to label their emotions with words;
5. Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately.

These steps when used can help children learn how to cope with negative feelings and self-regulate. 

Since learning about these steps, I was able to use them with my 3 year old nephew while he was throwing a tantrum. I was amazed when it worked and helped him call down much faster than the usual. 

Here is a great resource that shows what emotion coaching could look like:

If you would like to learn more about this topic, I recommend reading Dr. Gottman's book: Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

Let me know if you found this information helpful! 

Best, 

Bianca. 

REFERENCES: 

Lisitsa, E., Fraser, C., & Smyth, S. (2022, February 13). A research-based approach to relationships. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 17, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/

Part 1 - The Parenting Pyramid

I have recently encountered a parenting framework that has changed the way I see disciplining children. The framework was created by the Arbinger Institute and it is called the Parenting Pyramid. 

This framework teaches parents that before correcting their children for doing something wrong, they should be looking at:

1. Their personal way of being. Who they are as a person and if their lives align with what they want to teach their children. 
2. Their marital relationship. If they are having trouble as a couple, their parenting ability might be impaired. 
3. Their relationship with their children. How connected are they? Do the children trust them?
4. Teaching. Do you spend more time correcting than teaching?
5. Correcting. 

The following video does a great job explaining in more detail the parenting pyramid: 

My favorite part about the pyramid was learning the importance of teaching more than correcting. I think many parents nowadays spend most of their time correcting instead of teaching.

Have you ever felt caught up in one of the following scenarios:

• Spending most of your time threatening/correcting/disciplining your children
• Spending several hours reading books on how to discipline and punish your children
• Learning about positive discipline and/or natural and logical consequences for bad behavior.

Now, have you ever asked yourself questions that sounded like this:

• How can I keep my children from fighting?
• What do I do when my child disrespects me?
• What do I do when my child does not do her chores?
• What do I do when my child violates her curfew?

If you have, you are not alone. Many parents are faced with these scenarios and wonder what they can do to stop the undesirable behavior. 

According to the Arbinger Institute, instead of focusing on what can be done when things are going wrong, parents should focus on what they can do to help things go right. For example, instead of asking the questions listed above, parents could ask themselves the following: 

• How do I help my children to love one another?
• How do I help my child to learn to be respectful?
• How do I teach my children to be responsible?

Besides asking the questions above, it is important to take a look at each section of the parenting pyramid to evaluate how you are doing in each one of them.

Hopefully, this information will be as helpful to you as it was for me. 

Best, 

Bianca. 

REFERENCES:

The Parenting Pyramid - Brigham Young University–Idaho. (n.d.). Retrieved February 17, 2022, from https://content.byui.edu/file/91e7c911-20c5-4b9f-b8fc-9e4b1b37b6fc/1/Parenting_Pyramid_article.pdf

 

How to Advocate for Traditional Marriage?

Disclaimer: Although this post will be talking about marriage between a man and a woman and how to defend it, it does not mean I do not respect or have prejudice towards same sex couples. It does signify, though, that, personally, I believe in traditional marriage. 

Now, lets get to business. Why traditional marriage? First, from a religious stand point, I believe that God created man and woman, each with specific characteristics appurtenant to their gender. David A. Bednar affirmed: "The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation." Second, they were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, a commandment which can only be achieved by a man and a woman. Third, I believe that a family constituted by man, woman, and children is more beneficial to the society.  

As same-sex marriage rights spread rapidly around the world, people like me, who still believes in traditional marriage feel the pressure from society to conform to its new values. However, it is important that we hold our stand and advocate for what we believe, as much as the same-sex advocates do. The current trend is that if you do not agree with same-sex marriage then it is assumed that you are being prejudiced. Justice Alito, one of the of the judgeds from the Supreme Court who opposed the same sex petition, said: “The decision will also have other important consequences. It will be used to vilify Americans who are unwilling to assent to the new orthodoxy” (p. 101).)  He was right, this is exactly what we have been seeing nowadays. Thus, it is important to remember that civility and respect need to be used always when discussing this topic.

What can you do to advocate for this cause?

A initial thought would be to start in your own family: make your marriage work, establish family traditions, teach your children the principles of traditional marriage, preach by example, keep an open line of conversation about same-sex marriage with your children and clarify their doubts or conflicting thoughts they might have. 

Also, stand to what you believe. Do not be afraid to advocate for marriage between a man a woman. As long as you do so in a respectful, loving, and caring way. There are many others with this same belief and if we stand together we will have the ability to influence others. 

Is Divorce the Solution?

In the past, divorce laws were stricter than they are nowadays. Some states did not accept divorce at all, others only on the grounds of adultery, and some had more liberal laws. Thus, individuals would establish temporary residence in this liberal states in order to benefit of their laws.

As divorce numbers increased over the years, a no-fault-divorce law was created. The law states that if the marriage is not working for both parties or even one spouse (in some states) they can initiate the divorce process.

Considering then, the easy access to divorce, how do we define which marriages are unworkable and which can be saved?

One thing is most certain, relationships that pose danger to the well-being of the spouses and/or children or to their health should not last. On the other hand, due to the easiness of the process, many people are using divorce as the quick fix to their marital issues. The problem with this perspective is that it reduces the willingness of the couple to solve family conflict and cope with crisis. 

Studies have shown that if the couple would stick together for more 5 years from the moment they felt they needed a divorce, and would engage in therapy sessions or other programs, they would overcome their problems.Divorce will have negative consequences in both spouses. Second, when there is a child born from the relationship, the effects are awful, to say the least, as you can see in the following list: 

• Intense anger, self-blame, fears about the future, and loyalty conflict,
• More physical and emotional health problems
• More likely to be less sociable, have fewer friends, and be less responsive at school, home, and play.
• Have lower self-esteem, more likely to be anxious, depressed, and withdrawn.
• More likely to have eating disorders.

The list could on for a little while and we would still miss some of the negative impacts of divorce in children. If those weren't evidence enough, studies show that "failure in first marriage has no necessary bearing on the quality of a second marriage" (Johnson and Booth. 1998). Essentially, a second marriage can fail too. In fact, the statistics are higher.

As I read and went through  these studies, I really got myself thinking that if you are not in an abusive relationship, it is worth fighting for a good marriage. Even though, we see. constantly, celebrities and other famous people getting divorced, it does not necessarily mean that their choice was the best one and should be followed.

Thus, lets fix what is fixable. Seek help if you are struggling in your relationship, I know it will be worth it!